Saturday, February 8, 2014
Monday, December 23, 2013
Friday, December 20, 2013
How about Shakespeare for strip clubs:
To twerk, or not to twerk, that is the question—
Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous customers and crazy strippers,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of unpaid bills,
And by opposing end them? To spin, to twirl—
No more; and by a sleep, to say we don’t want to be bothered before 1pm
The Heart-ache, and the thousand random fines
That dancers are heir to? 'Tis a consummation and really unfair, and mostly illegal
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep, to eat Taco Bell
To sleep, perchance to Dream; Aye, there's the rub,
For in that extra day of sleep, what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, and hit the snooze button and hope it rains next time
How about the Bible for strip clubs? I supposed this is blasphemous, but I really don’t care. Blasphemy is the original victim-less crime in my atheist opinion.
New International Strip club Version (NISCV)
1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the strip club. 2 Now the club was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the stage, and the Spirit of God was hovering over in the manager’s office.
3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and then added a smoke machine. 5 God called the light “day shift,” and the darkness he called “night shift.” And then he created shift fees, and a mid shift for girls who didn’t want to stay too late.
6 And God said, “Let there be a brass pole between the floor and ceiling to separate the strip club stage from all others.” 7 So God made the brass pole and separated the strip club stage from all others. And it was so. 8 God called the seats around the stage “the rack.” And there was evening, and there was morning—and there was late fees.
Once upon a strip club dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious songs of forgotten labels,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my corner table.
''Tis some dancer,' I muttered, 'tapping at my corner table-
Only this, and nothing stable.'
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate single dollar wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the server;- vainly I had sought to flag her
From my tips surcease of whiskey- whiskey for the lost last chance-
For the rare and radiant dancer whom the broke me from my trance-
Nameless here “wanna dance?”
And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple lycra
Thrilled me- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,
''Tis some dancer entreating entrance to break my trance-
Some late dancer entreating entrance to break my trance;-
This it is, and wanna dance?.'
It doesn’t matter what it’s written about, it’s good or it ain’t. I work in engineering sales. There is nothing more annoying than a monumentally self-righteous customer. The customer is seldom right, they always want more for less. But the customer is paying the bills, so you have to listen to them.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
I often see dancers start there shift by tweeting an appeal for success to the Stripper Gods. There is even a prayer for strippers to recite.
As always, I’ll notice something odd. Strippers are polytheistic. Not one god but multiple gods. Which made me wonder, who are these gods? After a minimal Google search I couldn’t find any information. So I decided to make up my own. For reference I pulled out my old copy of Deities and Demigods Cyclopedia 2nd edition (+1 to your geek cred with an additional 10% experience points if you know what I’m referring to) and went to work.
I’m not really good at names so just kind of winged these. Fortunately my blog traffic is pretty much zero so I’m not at risk of boring very many people. Since strippers are only strippers if there is somebody to strip for I decided to make an even split between male and females in my stripper deity pantheon. I know woman go to strip clubs to, but that just over thinking things.
The Stripper Gods
Tiptania is the patron Queen of all the stripper gods. She watches over strippers of the world. She rewards strippers who smile on stage and point their toes while doing pole tricks. She punishes strippers who poach other dancer’s customers or uses skin lotion before going on stage and doing pole work. She also works late and doesn’t want to hear any prayers before noon. Text messages are preferred. Her symbols are the brass pole and clear platform heel.
I based the name on Titania, the fairy queen from Shakespeare’s A Misummers Night’s Dream. I figure somebody has to be in charge. I thought of the name Titstania, but that kind of sounds like a low budget burlesque performer from the 50’s. I’d love any thoughts for better names
|Beware the wrath of Tiptania. She'll unleash the frog pestilence on you. May all you tips be folded up like frogs.|
Is the guardian god of all baby strippers. She makes sure they make money even though walk like drunken storks in their heels and dance like they are being electrocuted on stage. Her favorite prayer is “O god please don’t let me kick over anybodies drink during my set”. She punishes baby strippers who think they know everything after working for four weeks and rewards those who actually listen to older dancers who give good advice. Her symbols are granny panties and a Victoria’s secret bra with the label still sticking out.
Is the berserker god of strippers. She is jealous and vindictive. There are songs only she can dancer too and pole tricks only she can do, because she invented them of course. Rational thought is not necessary for Lunapyscho. She prefers to scream and bully her way situations. She’s pretty much bat shit crazy. Regardless of her behavior, she’ll only get a two week suspension and will be back at work as a god in the same club. Her symbols are the broken mirror and a bottle of Xanax.
There is actually a god named Luna in the Roman pantheon. She was the divine representation of the moon and was associated with crazy behavior. Her name was the source of the words lunatic and lunacy.
Now for the dark side of the pantheon.
Douchethulu is the patron of terrible customers. He exists to steal dancer’s time while insulting them. He always wants to know what your real name is. He is occasional used by Tiptania to punish evil dancers by wrecking their tips and turning a shift into a soul crushing experience. He has two lackey’s to help him, Sweatpants bonerman and Bad breath BO stick creepy old guy with sticky hands. You can’t appease Douchethulu with lap dances, cause you know, he doesn’t have to pay for things like that. His symbol is the half empty can beer that he never seems to finish until he leaves.
The name Douchethulu sounds better than it looks on page. I tried to concatenate douche and Cthulhu into one name but it ended up looking more like touché’ hulu than anything else.
Beezleboss inspires owners and managers to come up with new and stupid rules. Impromptu ridiculous and mostly illegal fines are his favorite ways to mess with strippers. Strangely Beezleboss never deals directly with strippers. He prefers to post new rules on 8½ by 11 sheets of paper taped up in the dressing room rather than actually talking to them. His symbols are the 8½ by 11 paper and the crayon he uses to write with.
AsmodeusNickelback is the fickle god of strip club DJ’s. He is temperamental and will lash out at the smallest slight. He must always be tithed minimum tipped out, more if you had a really good night. If slighted he will never play any song you like on stage and skip you on rotation. DJ AsmodeusNickelback loves the sound of his own voice and will turn up the microphone to 11 to drown everything else at the club and the monster truck rally two miles away. You can always get back into AsmodeusNickelback’s good graces by tipping and complementing his DJ skills. His symbols are the microphone and the borrowed CD he never got around to ripping.
I think I got my weirdness out of my system for a little bit. I actually have a couple of more posts to put up. I’ll try to up my posts to more than once a year.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
I've been a lot of time playing around with photography recently. I haven't been writing blog posts recently, which also explains my blogs non-existent traffic. To give my self a goal I've decided to try to create some stripper meme images. My first attempt is to capture what a dancer is thinking when you ask "So what's your real name. let me know if you like the images or which one you like best. Please ignore the white balance problems, these are only rough edits.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Nobody likes to be trivialized. So I wasn’t too surprised at the Strippersphere’s level of irritation at the Miley Cyrus performance at the MVAs. I saw a lot of dancer tweets that ranged from snarky to genuinely angry. Personally I could care less what Miley Cyrus does on stage. I never watched her show, never listened to any of her music. I’m not even sure how relevant MTV is. As the joke goes, the last time I watched MTV they still played videos.
Twerking is heavily associated with stripping. Dancers regularly tweet they are going to “twerk”. They post video clips of themselves Twerking. I’m not exactly sure what constitutes “Twerking”. Is Twerking a subset of booty popping or vise versa? It doesn’t really matter to me. It does to dancers though. People who's ability to pay rent depends on it.
I don’t think it’s specifically Twerking that upset people. I think it stems from the larger misconception that it doesn’t require any real skill to be a good stripper. All you have to do take you clothes off, strut around stage then collect your bucket of money. It ignores all difficult parts the preparation it takes. How many other jobs require that you either trim or shave off every piece of hair from your eyebrows to your ankles on weekly or daily basis? Then throw in walking around in seven inch plus heels for hours just so you can make less than minimum wage on a slow night. Not to mention the all too real risk of sexual assault.
To have Miley Cyrus prance around on stage mimicking stripper moves badly is insulting. It trivializes what they do. Yes, there are dancers that do nothing more than take off they clothes and walk around stage. But they don’t collect buckets of money at the end of their sets. Stripping is like every other job. There is a direct correlation between how much effort and skill a girl has and how much money she makes. Add to that the down turn in the economy and it can be really a tough job.
Personally, I get really frustrated with all the people who think they are experts in computer programming. I don’t even consider myself a programmer. I’ve had a couple of projects where I had to write about 15,000 lines of code. I wasn’t very good at it. When you compare that to code monkeys, who crank out thousands of lines of code on a regular basis, that’s a small amount of work. I get really irritated when some goof who took an introduction to programming class proceeds to tell me how I should have written the code or what development system I should have used. When you write software there are literally thousands of logic and hardware problems you have to solve to make it work correctly. None of which anybody will ever notice unless they have actually done something similar. They just look at hundreds of man hours of effort and nitpick some trivial issue. Then you want to kill them.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
I freely admit I hate most magazine ads for strip clubs. In Portland the local adult advertising rag is called Exotic (www.xmag.com). They are having a twenty year anniversary celebration this year. They also archive a lot of their past issues on line. Out of curiosity I decided to compare the ads in the current August2013 issue with the August 2003 issue. Ten is a nice round number, and it’s pretty close to the oldest issue they have archived.
The most startling thing is how little the ads of changed. Seriously, I cannot see any substantial difference? Ten years later the ads are still the same train wreck of unreadable fonts, vomit inducing color schemes, and completely incoherent layouts. Flipping back and forth I would occasionally lose track of which one was which.
In literally every add they have a picture of dancer with her name next to her. Why do they always use a cursive font for her name? Am I supposed to believe that Ashley the dancer actually signed the ad in a perfectly proportioned script? The cursive font just makes her name unreadable. Is her name Faylod, Tajior, or Taylor?
You’d think after ten years of improvement in desktop publishing they would at least make some attempt to improve things. Or at change something. Anything. The dancers use the same poses for the ads. You could take an ad from ten years ago, update the information and it would fit perfectly in the current ad.
I could only find three real differences in the ads. One was the addition of internet information. Most clubs have some manner of web page or twitter account. This usually gets lumped in with clubs street address. All of which is stuffed in a corner of the ad in an oddly colored unreadable font. I suppose I should go look at some of the web sites. It appears that some of the clubs have figured out that you can get some free marketing with social media.
The second change is tattoos. There are way more now than ten years ago. I went through and counted the total number of girls in the ads of each issue and kept track of track of which had tattoos and which didn’t. In the ten year old issue there were a grand total of fifty seven different girls. Nine had tattoos, forty eight didn’t. Only 16% of the ad dancers had some sort of visible tattoo. In the current issue there were seventy five different dancers thirty eight with tattoos, thirty seven didn’t. More than half (51%) had some visible tattoo.
I’m sure the many of the dancers in the ten year old ads had tattoos, but the photographer and publisher made a deliberate decision to pose the girl to hide the tattoo. Not that it’s really news to anybody in the strip club industry that tattoos are more common.
The last change is the increase in the number of girls in the ads. This is a little counter intuitive. I didn’t formally figure out what percentage of each issue was used for ad space. It appears that there are a lot less people advertising now. There wasn’t near as many full page ads in the current issue and no two page ads when compared with the old issue. My guess is this is a reflection of the bad economy. The clubs and dancers were making a lot more money back then. There was also a lot less competition back then. With social media and web pages clubs have more options.
I think the increase in the number of girls in the ads is a result of more clubs having two girl shows. In Oregon it’s legal for two entertainers perform live sex acts. More and more clubs are featuring two girl shows. If you are going to promote two girl show you should probably have two girls in the ad.
I think the magazine ads should be like stripper outfits: less is more. A nice clean add would stand out. The more crap they throw in the less effective it is. I imagine not much isn’t going to change in the next ten years.